Never Have I Ever…

We all have those ‘Never have I ever…’ moments the kind that would either make people laugh, gasp, or wonder if we’ve actually lived under a rock. I’ve never really played the game (because… crowds), but I thought it would be fun to make my own little list. Some of these are things I’ve never done, others are just random life facts that make me, well… me.

There’s a show on Netflix with the same title.

Let me start by saying; I’ve never watched it.

Gotten Drunk. This is purely by choice. I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. I don’t go clubbing. I just don’t see the hype. I don’t see how it would add any value to my life. And most importantly, I’m not a fan of crowds.

My biggest asset is my brain, my mind, and I will always do whatever it takes to keep it clear. All my decisions will always be made stone-cold sober. Plus, I have an ego so big it could probably host a TED Talk. I would absolutely hate to apologize for something I did ‘under the influence’.

For some reason, when I tell new people I meet that I don’t drink, they act shocked as if I just told them I’ve never eaten cake. And when I say, “because I don’t want to,” that apparently doesn’t qualify as a valid answer. They’ll then hit me with the classic, “So then what do you do for fun?”

Broken a Bone or Been Admitted. If there’s one thing I continuously thank God for, it’s good health. Yes, I have the occasional cold here and there, but sleeping in a hospital, no. I don’t even want to imagine myself in such a situation. As a bonus, I have never fallen off a bike. I know they say you learn to ride after falling. I learnt. I just… didn’t fall. What can I say? Balance loves me.

Taken a Loan. I have such a deep, almost Olympic-level fear of debt that I’ve never taken a loan not from friends, not from family, not from a bank. The idea of owing money haunts me enough to make me take my financial decisions very, very seriously.

Intentionally Learnt a New Language. I say intentionally because, other than Swahili, Luo, some Luyha, very little French (it was mandatory in university), and English, I’ve sort of absorbed other languages by accident.

When I was in campus, I loved Indian and Filipino films. One day, I found myself watching an Indian movie without subtitles and somehow understood the entire plot. A few years later, I got into K-dramas and binge-watched them like my life depended on it. Now I kind of understand the language and even know some sentence structures.

I’ve also lived and worked around Kikuyus for a long time, and at some point, I realized I can understand the language pretty well especially when spoken by folks from Kiambu and Murang’a. The other accents still throw me off though.

Been Arrested. Of all the fears I have in this country, this is top five. I work extra hard to stay away from the police, from trouble, and from potential trouble.

I came dangerously close to being arrested one night in campus. We were walking back from a friend’s birthday party when a police patrol car pulled up. Apparently, some other students had hurled insults at them and run off, and they assumed it was us. I still don’t remember how we talked our way out of it, but I do remember my soul briefly leaving my body.

I’ve had a few other close calls, mostly misunderstandings that got resolved quickly. I should probably tie this to the fact that I’ve also never bribed a police officer… and honestly, in this country, that might be what lands me in trouble one day.

Lost a Key. I started handling keys young like, early primary-school-young. Since then, I have never lost a set of keys. I only replace them when I get tired of the locks. In fact, I learned how to break locks in primary school, the simple tricycle padlocks, just in case I ever lost mine. At one point, I even kept spare keys for my friends. I really hope I haven’t jinxed myself with this paragraph.

Been Blackmailed. I’ve always wondered how that would play out. Say someone hacks my phone and threatens to leak my messages or photos; honestly, I might just call their bluff. Worst case scenario, they go through with it. And then? I’m free from them. Congratulations to us both.

Been Robbed. I’ve lived in Nairobi for seven years now. I know almost every corner. And yet, my biggest fear remains getting robbed. I honestly don’t know what I’d do. Probably hand them everything and offer a thank-you note.

Karaoke. If I ever had a bucket list, karaoke would be on it. I think I’d have the time of my life just messing around. I don’t even want to sing well (which, by the way, I can). I want to pick a song far out of my vocal range and absolutely butcher it with pride. The only problem? Every karaoke place I know is crowded. And crowds are not my thing. So maybe I should just buy the machine and hold private concerts for myself.

I know there are many other things I haven’t done, and possibly will never do. But hey, the list is still growing, and who knows?