A Walk Down Memory Lane

Relationship dumps are kinda predictable. I am not being dismissive of them, but come on! At times you can see them coming from the very first ‘hello’. Friendship dumps are not as predictable.

You see with friendships, unlike relationships, you can rarely put a date to its beginning. Yeah, sure you can have an estimate timeline or the memory of the day you met. But was it really the beginning of your friendship? You probably thought the other guy was the biggest buffoon this side of the Sahara, but you don’t mention it. For friendship to get to a point that you can actually introduce someone as a ‘friend’ and mean it, it takes some time. Experiences.

Friendships are just long-term relationships without the perks of a relationship… no, hold on. It has those. Let’s say without sex. Though to some, this isn’t even an exception. But you know what I mean. Friendships have everything. Love. Respect. Understanding. Support. Everything. So when a friend dumps you, the shock of it all gets you to stop and question life as it is. What really is the value of life if those we share it with aren’t in that life to the end? Yes, I know, in this time and age ‘the end’ can even be the very beginning. And now, I am not being dramatic with the question.

There is a meme that is shared oh so often we may have all seen it by now. Something about ‘friendships that surpass the 7-year mark become family’. If only!

I got dumped by my friend and it was only months later that I realised how much that dumping affected me.

The worst time to be dumped is… hold on, there isn’t ever a good time. It’s always a bad time.

I never gave much thought to it when it actually happened because I am one of those people who likes control. Whenever I find myself in a stressful situation where ideally, I am supposed to be panicking, or reacting in an emotional way, I will not. Instead, I will work my mind around the question ‘what can I do?’. Then do that. We were once involved in an accident when my sister was driving. Long story short, everyone was panicking, crying, shaking, name it. I was calm. I didn’t even flinch. I spoke to the owner of the other car (a taxi man), and we agreed on a reasonable settlement. I then drove the crying and panicking passengers home, and it was only after I had settled in, that I ‘allowed’ the emotions to flow. Man! My hands were shaking.

Anyway, what am I saying? I am always calm. I was calm when I was on phone being dumped. (I was actually dumped on phone. And I am the one who did the calling!) And because I am also blessed and cursed with good memory, I remember every single line of that conservation. I even remember where I was and what I was wearing but that is totally beside the point.

‘I was going to call you back last evening when I got home. But I got distracted and forgot. I’m just leaving work now so maybe I can call when I get home?’

‘It’s okay. Don’t call’

‘So I text you?’

‘No. Don’t even text’

‘No call or text?’

‘Or even email’

Well now that was just plain mean. I love emails. That’s where I have had deep conversations. You don’t touch my emails dammit!

‘Okay, Will you tell me why or I wait for when you’ll be ready to?’

‘Maybe one day’

‘Even if it’s in a year or two?’

‘Yes’

‘Okay’

But I did text actually. It was barely two weeks after the call, but I did text. I didn’t expect a response, but I still texted all the same. It was my friend’s birthday, and I always remember such days. It was a simple ‘Happy Birthday’. I got a simple ‘thank you’ but that was not all on that day.

I fear confrontation. I can literally run away from someone when I feel a confrontation coming. I like to talk things out. Reasonably. If there is a sign of a misunderstanding, I like to have it addressed in a cordial manner. Otherwise what really is the different between us and animals? I am thinking even if I was an animal, I probably would be tucking tail to run at any sign of confrontation. NatGeo would have had a field day with me.

I have heard stories of women fighting women over men. Some even dying as a result of a misunderstanding. These things start small. Usually a text ‘leave my man alone you whore’ ‘I know where you live’ ‘bla bla bla’. Now, I have not been on the receiving end of these despite the fact that my presence wasn’t always a comforting sign to some women back in the day. I am not proud of it, but I didn’t do anything wrong.

So, on that day, I got a notification on phone. Facebook messenger. Someone I didn’t know had sent me a message. A rude message. In a way, connected to the friend that dumped me. Because I am not confrontation, I didn’t respond to the message. Hell! I never even opened it. I read it from the notification bar then cleared it. That way, she will always wonder if her message ever got to me (Facebook messenger shows if someone has read your message) or whether to send a follow up. An idea she will battle with because she just realised her initial message displayed childishness and a follow up would be worse. Muhahaha (evil laugh)

I did not think much of that. In fact, it wasn’t even then that I felt the impact of my friend dumping me. I felt that months later. On my own birthday.

I love my birthdays. I love knowing I am seeing yet another year. I love growing up. Admittedly, it scares me sometimes. The unknown. But I love it all the same.

My friend did not send a message. Nothing.

I felt so betrayed.

It is just a birthday P. No, its not. It was the last confirmation of a fact that I should have accepted a long time ago. The friendship is no more. And that shit hurts! I have gone through breakups in my time (gosh why do I make myself sound so old?) and never felt anything of it – I am not an emotionless person. Okay, so some were situationships, but still… Nothing. I was just okay. And now that I think about it, it was because of this now dead friendship! Look at me discovering new ways to reignite the pain.

There is a unique level of extreme vulnerability that comes with genuine friendships. The question of when it happens or how it happens is a mystery. You only realise one day that the worst thing that has ever happened to you, the raw dark thoughts in your mind, your fears and dreams are now not a secret. And that should scare the shit out of you. There is a saying ‘Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead’. Is that a saying or a song? Hmm, I don’t know. Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t want anyone to die.

Friendships are hard and easy at the same time, like relationships. I know that. They take effort. You have to mean it for it to work. Now, I’m not saying you need to call or talk to someone every single moment of your life to maintain the friendship, I’m saying you have to mean it.

Admittedly, I may have not been an innocent player / victim in this whole situation. I did my own share of wrongs… Not intentionally. I am usually a good person – yes yes yes, I know ‘bad people say that’ – but I truly am a good person. Ask around. But I did do those wrongs all the same. Do I regret them? Yes of course. Would I do them yet again? (Knowing what I know now?) I don’t know, truly. But did I mean the friendship?

Would its end hurt so much if I didn’t?