House Hunting in Nairobi

There are some well established conmen in this city who have thrived solely from vulnerable people online looking to buy or rent a house.

The game is always the same featuring a retired Major, who build his house while still in the army; but wants to move to the village and therefore is looking for someone to rent his house. His house will fit all the descriptions that one would be looking for and to top it all, it will be located in the ideal estate and be much more affordable than anyone can imagine. This major will not be around, no no no. He is never around. However, the wife (who runs their businesses) will be around and ready to assist you at any time. However, there will be a hitch with the availability of the house. Someone else is always just about to pay for that same house; but the wife would gladly place them on hold provided you pay first. Now most naïve Kenyans new to the city have fallen for this. And this is how this business booms.

I have almost fallen victim to these conmen once. I wrote about this on Facebook here.

Now, I don’t know everyone’s reasons for moving. Maybe the landlord increased the rent, or your neighbours just had twins who take turns screaming at night, or you have a new job and are scaling up or down. Whatever the reason, at some point you will want to move and therefore go on the nerve wrecking task that is house hunting.

The available houses do not make the choice easy at all. It’s either too small, or the kitchen is not as functional as it should be, or the bathroom is too small, or the house is totally eclipsed and natural light is just an imagination (who has the money to pay KPLC for lighting during the day?), or the neighbourhood is not safe, or rainy seasons are a hindrance to access. Either way, there is always something negative about a new house, an eventually we just end up compromising. If you are lucky and end up finding the perfect house, then it will probably be out of budget. It rarely goes according to plan.

I have lived in my current house for 2 years now and when I say I want to move, people ask me why. I have a different reason for everyone who asks; but I think I’m just bored. Don’t get me wrong, my house is wonderful. Nice neighbourhood, affordable rent, quiet neighbours who know how to mind their business. I could go on and on. But I am irrevocably bored of the house. I can’t seem to stand it anymore.

I recently embarked on the house hunting journey and maybe I have lost my patience and touch; but there are some people who should definitely be slapped into their senses because the absurdity that is going on in the real estate world is insane. In one of the estates (considered high end) I saw a vacancy notice about a two bedroom and decided to check it out. High end estate or not, I was viewing the house. I was with my sister and a friend.

The compound was well kept, with a security guard on standby and two separate gates for access. An entry gate and an exit gate. There were several cars well parked in front and around the house. The house on the other hand looked like it had seen better days, years even. The vacant house was on the second floor. Walking into the building, the first thing one would notice is a strong mixture of scents from cigarettes to perfume, to stinky toilet smells. Fresh air was not an option. The staircase was narrow with very short steps and a faded paint job (though this could be said for the whole house). The corridors were barely an arm stretch apart. Walking through meant following a single file. The vacant house was opposite a house whose owner does not understand volume control.

The caretaker opened the door for us, and when I tell you the entire house was visible at first glance, not a sweeping view. Just one glance and you’ve seen it all. The supposed sitting room was anything but. There were two doors on the back that led to the two bedrooms. On the right side was a door that led to the bathroom and then we had the ‘kitchen’ area which was just a barely surviving sink and one wooden strip as a shelf. If this was the idea of an open kitchen….

Anyway, these were not the issue with the house. The issue was the bedrooms.

Both bedrooms looked like attic rooms, reducing in height as one goes in. The rooms could barely fit a school sized bed. There were three-shoe shoe racks on each room that were apparently the wardrobes. The windows in the bedrooms were no larger than bathroom windows with the exact same aesthetic. Of the three of us, I was the short one (though I am tall) and could not make it two steps into the bedrooms while walking upright. My friend asked how much the houses go for and when we heard 18k, I felt a direct mockery would have sufficed.

In short, that house was shit! And very much laughable. And boy did we laugh! Admittedly it was hours, but we laughed all the same.

What baffled me more about this place was a clear presence of well-established people (I could tell by the cars) living there. Now it’s either that or they were all just paying a visit. This, I highly doubt.

In the spirit of openness, during this whole process I once again decided to try my luck at online house hunting and let me tell you, I knew the mess I was getting into when the Major went on a five minute detailed description of how his house looks like, before getting back on script and telling me about the wife who is in charge of the business… Same old, same old…

                                                                    *******

Anyway, I had planned to move after the elections but here I am still searching and ranting. I have only one month left to move. I cannot move in December. This is therefore a plea to you my readers, anyone who can recommend houses, or a serious realtor is welcome.