When It Was Time, I Left

I am a millennial, so you know we are not exactly as aggressive as the Gen Zs when it comes to speaking our minds. We tend to be more reserved, more calculating, more cautious. I actually admire the nature of the Gen Zs, so fearless. So bold. The Gen Z say, ‘acha niseme initoke’. And that is what this post is about.

It’s been over a month since I quit my job.

Let’s talk about the lead up to this, and how it has been since then.

My work was good. I worked on youth, gender, peacebuilding, and governance initiatives at national, regional, and international levels. I also represented Kenya in global forums contributing to the development of policy statements and advocacy plans. My work helped influence public policy dialogues, drive impactful storytelling, and fostered partnerships that amplified community voices, especially on issues of youth engagement, women empowerment, and leadership. I did enjoy what I was doing.

I joined the organisation in 2019 after tarmacking for over a year. It was my first job after campus, and I was as green as they come. In the six years I was there, I held two official positions, and 2 unofficial positions. The shift from the first official position to the first unofficial position came during Covid. The shift to the second official position came as a promotion and an interdepartmental transfer. The contract I received was very different from the discussions I had held with different managers. The second unofficial position was attached to my second official position – but minus its perks. If this is confusing, it is because it was very confusing even for me. There was a period when I didn’t even have a contract, but I was doing the work of two people.

I also did not go on leaves. I worked during the holidays. And sometimes late into the night and wee hours of the morning. I had a horrible sleep schedule and a non-existent work life balance.

This is not to say this was the reason I resigned. It barely even touches on the reason. My resignation was as a result of a domino effect whose origin I cannot pinpoint.

2024 – This was the year I was to leave. August would have been my last month. But I kept finding reasons not to. A colleague on a month-long leave leaving me to hold the fort, so much work to be done, the year has basically just ended. Whatever it was, I said it. And it was going on and on and on. But this was also the same year I decided to intentionally pray for myself, my career, and the clarity I needed in the same. I had done enough complaining and ranting to God, and I felt it was time to actually slow down and start listening to Him. I took a long leave in December, into end of January 2025. It was the first break I had since 2018. The break gave me some clarity.

2^nd January – Normal operations had not resumed yet. A former colleague sent us a farewell message on the company WhatsApp group. Her contract for the year was not renewed. This came as a huge shock to us. She was liked by many and was the go-to person in her department. As was the norm, people would express their feelings over the matter and have an opportunity to wish the person farewell. This was not the case. She was immediately removed from the group barely 3minutes after she had posted the message. I later found out there was pressure from sources to remove her from the group immediately. It raised more questions, while providing clarity on where people stood as a ‘family’.

20^th January – I resumed work after the holidays.

4^th February – I got my renewed contract. Unlike the year before where we got them from our supervisors and had a moment to discuss them, this time we got them without our supervisors knowing. Mine was sent to me while I was leading a workshop. A part of me was hoping it was a termination of contract letter, and I was genuinely disappointed. I know I sound crazy saying that, but it is the reality. I needed someone to make the decision for me. That way, for me, if things went south, I wouldn’t be the one to blame. I took the contract, read it, and instead of signing it, I placed it in my work desk at home, then drafted my resignation letter.

14^th February – I signed the contract. But I also changed the date on my resignation letter.

I kept praying, daily, and listening to God’s voice through it all. And it became clearer the more I listened. It was time for me to leave.

23^rd February – I told my family I was resigning.

3^rd March – I told my supervisor I was leaving, and it was not an easy conversation. She has been a great mentor. Her biggest question of course was, “why?” That is not a question that has a direct answer. It was time.

I also signed the resignation letter and set my email to send it at exactly 8:00AM on 4^th March.

4^th March – The email was sent to our CEO.

There was no communication from him on the resignation until 10^th March.

10^th March – I finally got the acceptance of resignation letter, that had been signed on 6^th March. I also had a conversation with the CEO on that day, partly about me leaving.

31^st March – This was to be my actual last day of work, but circumstances beyond my control pushed it to 4^th April (read: the office changed the date to ensure it is exactly one month notice). This day turned out to be a holiday.

1^st April – I had three items left on my to do list, and I was determined to leave a clean desk. I worked on those and begun my clearance process. I also exited from over 30 work-related WhatsApp groups.

3^rd April – Though not my last day, it was my last day in the office. I handed over all the office gadgets I had. (Most staff who leave usually request the CEO to allow them leave with something -most times it is the laptop). I did not want anything.

The department I worked in organised a nice send off – truly appreciated.

I sent out farewell messages to various teams I was working with (the 500 youth from across the country that I was coordinating, the interns I was mentoring, and the technical team I was working with). I then switched off my phone. The messages and calls were too many.

I was also saying goodbye to six years of my life, the day was emotional.

4^th April – This was my actual last working day. I handed over a few continuous tasks to someone else, sent out a farewell email to all colleagues, and signed out of my work email. The phone calls kept coming, and the messages kept coming. It was the last day.

See, there were three ways this journey was going to end for me. The choice for how it would go down lay solely on me.

Employers tend to behave like rats – they will keep biting you and blowing on it so you feel no pain. Over and over again. And eventually, it will hit you. Such pain! And this is what will open up your eyes. The rap sheet for the number of times I experienced injustice and pain is longer than the Nile. Have you guys ever heard of the phrase, ‘kupigia mbuzi guitar?’ I lived and experienced this more times than I would like to count.

It is not normal for someone to live and breathe work. To lose yourself in ways you can’t even fathom. Where the closest people to you are the ones most distant to you. People you can’t talk to, yet for some deluded reason, you are made to believe they are your ‘family’. People who will guilt you into thinking some time away, some boundary, some sense of self-preservation is a crime. People who would prefer you try, just a little, even when you are down sick. People who would glorify burnout and shun the effects in the same breath. As long as we see results, right? The interesting part is that even leaving, is criminalised. Because how dare you? What will we do without you? Why now? Why? Why? Why?

One thing I remember about this entire process was someone texting me: “Hi Norah, The way I have been counting on you as my friend… how can I just see your clearance form?” Now, while this may sound mean, I do not consider the person my friend. Colleague, yes. Friend, no. I did not respond to this message, and on the last day I was in the office, the same person told me, “You know, I am aware of the challenges you have been going through. I know it has not been easy. And sometimes I think about what you have gone through. Bado iko kwa roho yangu”. I don’t know what response was proper in such a case, so I just told him, “Breathe it out”.

Aaaaaaaaaaa!!!!

I know what many of you will say, “this is normal Paula. Every work environment is like that.” No, not every work environment is like that. It is because I know it is not normal that I left.

For all the faults, and all the dark, I learnt a lot, grew in ways I couldn’t imagine years ago. I have walked out a whole new person.

I write this knowing full well that some may say it will affect me in future. But I am on a healing and self-discovery journey, and this blog is my own way of doing that.

This past month, I have been salvaging and repairing the parts of me that were torn down, the parts worn out, and the lights dimmed.

I will rise again, bigger and better. But for now, I rebuild.